Animated Atrocities 01/Transcript
{Note: this is for Version 1 of this review.} black card saying "Some viewers may find this disturbing, viewer discretion is advised." is shown. British announcer: Some viewers may find this disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised. title card for "The Splinter" appears. Mr. Enter: That was not a joke. If you are squeamish, have a fear of puss or blood, or just have trouble forgetting disturbing things, you might want to scroll down and click to a new tab. Some of the imagery in this episode is unsettling. Whenever I think of a horrid episode of any show, this is what immediately comes to mind. It's what lets me know that things could always get worse, and to count every single blessing we have. The plot of this episode is simple: caption pups up reading: "of the 1,000 adjectives I would use to describe this episode, boring is not high on that list." Spongebob gets a splinter and has to spend about 11 minutes trying to get it out. If that makes it sound boring, let me tell you, this episode is anything but. title card appears and its writers' credits are shown (storyboard directors: Casey Alexandar and Zeus Cervas/written by: Casey Alexander, Zeus Cervas, and Richard Pursal). Mr. Enter: In some episodes of Spongebob, the title card gets fitting background music, like in "Spongicus", where we get a Roman theme sound. Splinter's title card and writing credits are shown (directed by: Nata Cash and Sean Charmatz/written by: Nata Cash, Sean Charmatz, and Steven Banks). A caption appears below saying "instead of the scare chord it deserves". Mr. Enter: I love how here, it plays the same classic tune, like it's saying that it's just another typical episode. footage starts. Mr. Enter: As soon as the episode starts, we get our first sign that this was an incredibly terrible idea. five out of these 11 minutes are filler. Not that I'm complaining. It starts out with some incredibly mundane filler, until Spongebob manages to fling his spatula into the ceiling. He stacks a bunch of boxes to get up and begins attempting to pull it out. In those boxes were swords and tartar sauce. As soon as Spongebob pulls it out, he begins falling to the ground. "I guess this is it..." Mr. Enter: Yeah, I wish. It turns out he gets saved by dumb luck. And by dumb luck, he trips on the tartar sauce and gets the titular splinter jammed into his finger in slow motion. We can see that it goes in pretty damn deep. black card pops up saying "What? That thing? That's not so bad.". Mr. Enter: But then Spongebob starts trying to pull it out. And we see him cringe as he does. We see how real the pain feels. stops using his fingers and uses his spatula instead in an attempt to pull out the splinter. The writers and animators are determined to make it seem as painful as possible. I don't know if this is a half-assed attempt at slap stick or just an attempt to make the audience cringe. If it was the former, you've got to make the pain cartoonish and over the top, clip of a wheelchair bound Twilight Sparkle getting crushed by an anvil then a pile of hay and a piano. Caption: slapstick! like, say, have a piano fall on someone's head! That's funny because it can't really happen to us. back to Spongebob desperately trying to pull out the splinter. Caption: cringe worthy pain. Most of us had splinters. And some of us had splinters we couldn't get out. So yeah, we can feel his pain. So eventually, Spongebob tries to pull it off with his teeth and ends up ripping his skull out. And that convinces him to leave the splinter in. With the splinter getting in the way, Spongebob ties his spatula to his nose and that ends up annoying Squidward. Some cliches never do die. And then Squidward sees the splinter. Spongebob shows it to him, and some of the puss drips on his face. Are you grossed out yet? Cause it gets better. Squidward tells Spongebob that if he doesn't get the splinter out, then Mr. Krabs will be forced to send him home early. It's at this point I begin to wonder if I was over blowing this episode's vile repulsion flushes Spongebob's spatula and hat down the toilet with a smile. when I called it a "shitty abomination of Hell". Sure, we have had tons of filler and a little bit of the gross out, but that's nothing out of the ordinary for your typical modern Spongebob episode. And then Spongebob calls Dr. Patrick. So, enter Dr. Patrick, he starts by chewing on Spongebob's foot in grotesque detail. Okay, writers, no one wants to see your sick, unfunny, and uninteresting foot fetish! When Spongebob tells Patrick this, he gets upset. So to calm him down, Spongebob decides to do whatever Dr. Patrick says without objection. some viewers may find this disturbing, viewer discretion is advised. This is your last chance, if you have an aversion to gross out, you will want to back out now. He sees the splinter, and reaches into his medical bag and pulls out a hammer! You know it's coming... He rallies it up and then he smashes the splinter into the thumb, causing it to swell up to a horrid size! And when Dr. Dipshit sees the swelling, he puts a garbage compress on it, causing it to spew forth puss and turn a sickly purple color. Oh by the way, it gets worse! Spongebob goes back inside to find Mr. Krabs and Squidward. Spongebob is determined to hide the splinter. They're building this up quite a lot. And when it's finally revealed, a huge, red abomination with puss and a pulsating red vein. That, no joke, caused me to vomit the first time I saw it and then we get a close up on the splinter. passes out whie Mr. Krabs cringes. Mr. Krabs pulls it out, and surprise! Confetti! Haha,no. Puss starts spraying on Mr. Krabs. Krabs pulls out an umbrella. Oh by the way, it wouldn't be a modern Spongebob episode without at least some Squidward torture porn. Mr. Krabs talks about worker's comp, so Squidward smashes his head in with a cash register only to find out his shift ended two minutes ago. card for The Splinter pops up. To call this episode a piece of utter shit would be an insult to shit. Pardon the cliche. Without the disgusting visual gimmicks, this episode has no legs to stand on. It wants to gross you out. And if it doesn't, it will only end up boring you. There is no reason for this episode to exist other than nausea fuel. we want to gross people out! how do we do that? I know, just have him get a splinter and have it get infected! It's an excuse to be as gross as possible and a flimsy excuse at that. I don't know who would be vile enough, repulsive enough, disgusting enough to think that this would be a good idea and then actually make a damn episode about it! Who wrote this? writers card for The Splinter pops up. This episode had three writers. How is that possible?! How did three professional writers come forth with this crap when a five year old would know better to throw it in the trash!?These three do not deserve to have jobs. They deserve to be fired immediately and black listed. There's putting no effort into something, and there's putting effort into making something as utterly horrible as possible. Believe me when I say that I know how bad things can get. To answer your question, clip from Putting Your Hoof Down from My Little Pony plays. no, Putting Your Hoof Down is not worse than The Splinter. Putting Your Hoof Down is a concept that could have worked in some form of reality. So is this the worst that Spongebob has done? (Chuckles)... Fuck no. It's just the first one I think of when I think of a bad episode. It probably wouldn't even hit the top ten. What the fuck could be worse than this?Doofus title card. Well, there's that episode where Ms. Puff tries to murder Spongebob. Coarse Meal title card. Or there is that episode where Mr. Krabs drives Plankton to attempt suicide and is rewarded for it. You Happy Now? title card. Caption: No, I'm not, you fucking bastards. There is also that episode that makes Squidward looking like he's about to kill himself a running joke. or Squared title card. Or if you want to include specials, there's that giant middle finger to anyone who ever gave a damn about Spongebob. Pal for Gary title card. Caption: And then there's this, for your consideration. Trust me when I say that I have seen shit. clip of the famous And Now You Know logo plays. Credits: "Spongebob Squarepants" is owned, whored out, and abused by Viacom and Nickelodeon. "The Splinter" was 'written' by Nate Cash; Sean Charmatz; Steven Banks. Know these names. Fear these names. Loath these names. "The Splinter" was storyboarded by Nate Cash & Sean Charmatz. Creative direction of "The Splinter" by Vincent Wallar. Animation direction of "The Splinter" by Tom Yasumi. I think I hate him more than anyone else in this travesty. Please stop this senseless cruelty.